How Many Times Can I Start Over?

I hate how hard it is to lose weight. The struggle to gain control of my self destructive behavior is a daily battle with myself that is never ending. A battle that I have fought for the better part of my life. I have started over so many times and I hate to admit that I've had to start over again just in the past week.

I'm so tired of starting over. I'm tired of watching the scale go up and down. For once I would love to see it consistently going down. When I think of all the times I have lost 30, 50, 70 pounds just to gain it back I could just cry and then kick myself.

I don't know why, but this time in my life seems to be different. It's so much harder than it's ever been before and I'm heavier than ever. I feel the mountain in front of me is too high to climb. Most days I just want to stay in bed under the covers where no one can see what a failure I am. I feel defeated before my feet ever hit the floor.

I'm not trying to be a downer, I'm just being real. I need to vent. Struggling everyday just to put one foot in front of the other is so frustrating.

Quitting is not an option. There may be days that don't go as planned and I may have to keep starting over every day, but I refuse to stop trying.  I'm praying that a "never say die" attitude will eventually take root in my mind. It's going to take a lot of talking to myself and praying.

Lately I've been weak in my prayer life. No excuses, just laziness, I'm ashamed to say. I know when I'm in tune with God that things are better all around.

Things are fixing to change. I know I can do this if I get my head straight and stay focused on the goal. I'm going to continue with Weight Watchers for the time being. I know it will work if I work it. I really do like the new Freestyle program.

I'm praying that I can turn my attitude around and start believing what I'm preaching. Say a prayer for me. Feel free to comment with encouragement or share any tips or recipes you may have. No negativity please.

Till next time, God bless! :)

What I've Learned So Far

When I began sharing my journey, I said I would be honest. So far the journey has been slow but steady; but in the past two weeks I have experienced a set-back. I have gained a few pounds and I feel I must share not only my success, but also my miss-steps.

I have no one to blame but myself. I have indulged, I haven't exercised as often; in general, I've been lazy!

What I've learned through this whole process though, is how strong I really am and how far I have come since the beginning.

When I weighed last week and saw a gain, I was truly angry with myself. The rest of my day was a disaster, as far as self control goes; let's just say, I didn't have any. I literally threw in the towel, but only for the day.

By the end of the day I was still angry at myself, angrier because of my loss of control, but more determined than ever to get where I'm headed.

I can't explain it, but I just know, that I know, that I know that I will only fail if I don't get back up, dust myself off and get my head straight again.

I know that with God's help I can do anything I put my mind to.

So, with all that said, I'm scrapping a couple of bad weeks and starting fresh.

I've learned that giving into a craving and having it in the house leads to a binge for me. I just can't handle it. If I'm going to have a treat, it needs to be a serving size and that's it, no left overs, no seconds. If it's here, I will eat it.

I've learned that I need to exercise. Even if it's just for 15 minutes, I need some form of exercise everyday.  It not only helps me with weight loss, it helps with my mood. I'm a much happier, relaxed person when I exercise.

So, I've stumbled, I've taken a step back, and now I'm dusting myself off and I'm back on track. I hope that by sharing my journey, the good, bad and the ugly, that I will encourage someone else who is fighting the same battle.

I would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment and share your struggles, successes or tips!

Till next time, God bless!! :)

Just Holding On

Sorry for the delay in updates.  The holidays have me hopping and I am just trying to survive this season without letting my diet completely go down the tubes.

I hate to say it, but I have gained three pounds in the past two weeks.  I have been somewhat out of control since my birthday.  I am getting back on track though and will hopefully have a happy report this week at my weigh-in.

I guess the ups and downs are just a part of the ride, especially with all the holidays.  I'm definitely not giving up.  I just have to take it one day at a time and lately I've been losing more than I've been winning the battle.

I continue to get up everyday with a fresh start and do my best.  I refuse to throw in the towel this time.  I may take some steps back, but I'm determined to keep pushing forward.

I hope that the holiday and Christmas season finds you all doing well.  I know that if you are like me you are staying very busy.  With that being said, I probably will not post another blog entry until after the first of the year.  I will however try to post updates on my Facebook page.

Until next year....

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Starting Over Again

"I can not change yesterday, but I can change today!"

I am so hesitant to come back to this blog.  It's extremely difficult for me to admit my failure.  When I started this journey, I really thought I would be so much further along. But, here I am, over a year later, starting over.


I have failed at every attempt I have made to lose weight since high school.  I have gone up and down the scale 10, 20, 30, even 50 pounds.  And, I have gained it all back every time.  The most frustrating part of this struggle is that I can't explain or understand why I can't seem to win this battle.  Why I can't hold on to the success.  

It's so hard to think about needing the lose weight 24/7.  I get so tired of counting calories and thinking about all the food I shouldn't eat, but desperately want.  

In the past three weeks I have started using Fitness Pal again; entering everything I eat and staying within my calorie goal.  I have also started exercising.  I have lost 7 1/2 pounds so far.  

I'm not going to lie to you, it's been hard.  I don't like recording everything I eat, I don't like counting calories and I hate exercising.  What I do like is the progress.  It feels good to see results.  I pray daily that I can keep it up and not lose my will power.  

I also have to tell you that I'm not doing this just to lose weight or to look good.  It stopped being about that a long time ago.  My main goal at this point in my life is to be healthier.  I need to be able to breath when I walk.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  

If you want to follow me on this journey, you are welcome.  I will always be real.  I will share my struggle, my joy, my success, my failure, no matter how ugly it gets; I will be real.  
I welcome your feedback.  Share your journey, your tips, or just your encouragement in the comments section.  Haters are not welcome.  There is no need or usefulness in nasty or hurtful comments.

So, why am I back here today?  The answer is that no matter how many times I fall down, I always get back up.  

Tip of the Day:  I'm eating a lot of apples right now.  They seem to satisfy my sweet tooth and they're also filling between meals.  My favorite is Honey Crisp.

This Is Me

This is me.  This picture was taken in late June while I was on vacation with my family.  I was miserable.  I couldn't walk and breathe at the same time.

This vacation was a wake up call for me.  I had to do something to change my health.  I did not want to go on being this way.  There were a couple of moments during this vacation that I cried because of how uncomfortable I was in my own body.

I haven't always been this heavy but  I have always struggled with my weight.  When I was about 14 - 15 years old I had reached 200 pounds. That's way too much weight for someone who is only a hair over five foot tall. I decided then to make a change.  I started counting calories and exercising and I managed to lose 70 pounds over the next year.

I kept the weight off for the most part (it was a constant struggle) until I was married.

When I was pregnant with my son I gained 40 pounds.  When he was born he weighed ten pounds and before I left the hospital I had lost 27 pounds.  I lost the rest of the baby weight before returning to work, but I was still a little heavier than I wanted to be.

My son was about two years old when I started Weight Watchers online.  I started losing at a pretty steady pace and was feeling a lot better about myself.  Then something went wrong.

I was dead on my feet.  I was so tired and sleepy (me the insomniac) all the time; all I wanted to do was sleep.  My hair started falling out, my skin broke out, my fingernails were splitting and chipping, and I started gaining weight quickly.  I gained 30 pounds in a month!  I thought I was dying.

I made an appointment and went to see my doctor.  After running some tests, he discovered  that my thyroid had basically quit working.  I have been taking medication for hypothyroidism since that day.

Losing the weight was much harder after that.  It seemed I had to work much harder and it came off very slowly.  I battled with the scales, up and down, up and down.  I eventually just gave up.  I was tired of fighting.

You know what happened then?  I gained more weight.

That brings me to the present.  Here I am, not the heaviest I've ever been, but way too heavy for my small stature and miserable in my own skin.  I'm being gut-wrenchingly honest here.  I don't normally talk about something this personal to me in this open a manner.  My weight is a very personal and embarrassing issue to me.

I have lost four pounds since I returned from vacation.  I'm eating less and moving more.  I'm trying to make positive healthy changes in my life.  I have a long way to go before I reach my goal but I'm more determined than ever to get there.

I have decided to write about this journey because I know I'm not the only person fighting this battle.  I hope that writing about it will help me stay on track.  Maybe it will help you too.  I welcome your encouragement, tips, or even questions (no haters please).

God Bless...