Starting Over Again

I'm starting over, simple as that. For anyone who has been on a similar journey, there's no need for explanations.

I hate admitting failure of any kind, but I have allowed myself to get off track in the past few months and I have caused quite a bit of damage to my progress. I have gained a lot of my weight back and I am basically at the point of starting over.

I've started using My Fitness Pal again to track what I eat. Eating 1200 calories a day and walking a mile a day. I've managed to lose two pounds in less than a week.

My problem is making it stick in my head again. Once I get it made up in my mind that I want to be healthy and smart about my decisions, then I can do it. Until then, I'm entirely ruled by my emotions and cravings; eating when I'm not hungry and not controlling my portions.

If you've been following me so far on my journey I'm sorry for the temporary departure. I hope that sharing, not only my success but also my failure, has made me more human. I will do my best to make regular and more timely updates on my progress in the future.

Until next time, God bless!

Setback

It has been a while since my last post. The reason for that is simple, I feel like a failure.

Since my last post I have peddled backwards. It's hard to admit it, but here it is, I have gained weight.

This journey is hard but I have come too far to give up and I refuse to admit defeat. Like I have said before, you only truly fail if you don't get up and keep going. And, I have no intention of stopping now.

I want to encourage you wherever you're at in your journey. Whether you are at the beginning, the middle, or maybe like me struggling with a setback, you can do it. One moment, one day at a time. Stop thinking about next week, next month or even tomorrow. Just think about right now.

Moving forward...

Seriously

I'm seriously stuck in a holding pattern. Not moving forward, not moving backward. Just stuck in the same place.

I'm starting to get comfortable here...maybe that is the problem. Maybe I've gotten too comfortable in this place and my efforts aren't what they were or what they need to be to move forward.

Whatever, it's become a "seriously" moment for me. Am I "seriously" going to continue this pattern? Am I "seriously" going to stop here? A "I "seriously" need to get off my behind and make this thing happen," kind of moment. After all, no one can do it for me.

This blog was created to share my journey and this is a part of the journey. For me this is an embarrassing part of the journey. Having to admit to a sort of failure. But failure will only really happen if I refuse to get up and keep going.

So, dusting myself off, picking myself up and moving forward again.

....more to come!

Starting Over Again

"I can not change yesterday, but I can change today!"

I am so hesitant to come back to this blog.  It's extremely difficult for me to admit my failure.  When I started this journey, I really thought I would be so much further along. But, here I am, over a year later, starting over.


I have failed at every attempt I have made to lose weight since high school.  I have gone up and down the scale 10, 20, 30, even 50 pounds.  And, I have gained it all back every time.  The most frustrating part of this struggle is that I can't explain or understand why I can't seem to win this battle.  Why I can't hold on to the success.  

It's so hard to think about needing the lose weight 24/7.  I get so tired of counting calories and thinking about all the food I shouldn't eat, but desperately want.  

In the past three weeks I have started using Fitness Pal again; entering everything I eat and staying within my calorie goal.  I have also started exercising.  I have lost 7 1/2 pounds so far.  

I'm not going to lie to you, it's been hard.  I don't like recording everything I eat, I don't like counting calories and I hate exercising.  What I do like is the progress.  It feels good to see results.  I pray daily that I can keep it up and not lose my will power.  

I also have to tell you that I'm not doing this just to lose weight or to look good.  It stopped being about that a long time ago.  My main goal at this point in my life is to be healthier.  I need to be able to breath when I walk.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  

If you want to follow me on this journey, you are welcome.  I will always be real.  I will share my struggle, my joy, my success, my failure, no matter how ugly it gets; I will be real.  
I welcome your feedback.  Share your journey, your tips, or just your encouragement in the comments section.  Haters are not welcome.  There is no need or usefulness in nasty or hurtful comments.

So, why am I back here today?  The answer is that no matter how many times I fall down, I always get back up.  

Tip of the Day:  I'm eating a lot of apples right now.  They seem to satisfy my sweet tooth and they're also filling between meals.  My favorite is Honey Crisp.

Confession Time

I must confess, the past week and a half have been incredibly difficult for me.  At times I literally lost control, and I failed to journal most of last week.  As I've shared before, journaling is essential for me.

I have no trouble putting my finger on the problem.  I have been feeling stressed and then I came down with a nasty cold.  Those are two huge triggers for me.  My self-control went right down the drain and I ate just about everything I could put my hands on.  (I'm not kidding!!)

Confession made, I'm happy to report that I am back on track this week.  I have regained my self-control and determination.  I refuse to turn back.  This journey isn't easy; I never thought it would be.  Nothing worth doing is ever easy...right?

The reason I share this detour in my journey (I refuse to call it a failure.  Failure is falling down and not getting back up.) is to let you know that I'm human.  I make mistakes and it's okay.

I want to encourage anyone who is traveling this road with me to be real.  Don't beat yourself up when you stumble.  Get up, dust yourself off and keep moving.  We can do this!  Take it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.


Philippians 4:13
I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Challenges

I had a challenging weekend.  There is no doubt, I am very human.  In order for this blog to benefit me and my readers I plan to be transparent with my failures as well as my successes.

It started off with an unhappy weigh-in on Friday morning.  I didn't gain.  For that fact alone I know I should have been happy.  But I really wanted to lose and I didn't.    

On top of being discouraged by my non-progress, I had started getting sick the prior evening.  Having just recovered from a stomach bug the week before; I was very disgusted that I was once again under the weather.  By late Friday evening my symptoms included fever, body aches, sinus congestion/pressure, headache, light headed, dizzy, etc...in general, I felt awful.  I was so weak that I stayed in bed all of Saturday and Sunday.    

Let's go back to early Friday...I started feeling a little sorry for myself, okay, maybe a lot sorry for myself. Not a good "head place" for someone trying to lose weight.  Eating has always been a comfort to me.  Being sick, depressed, happy, any emotion has been an excuse to celebrate or soothe with food.

So when we stopped by Andy's after lunch I ordered the medium Key Lime Pie Concrete knowing two things: 1) I didn't need it; I was full from lunch, and 2) the small had almost a whole day's worth of calories and I certainly did not have that many to spare.  

My internal dialogue went something like this:  "I deserve it, I don't feel good.  I don't get to have Andy's that often.  The Key Lime Pie is a seasonal flavor and if I don't order it today I probably won't get one until next year.  I really should order the small.  I mean it's not like I'm getting the large, that's a positive, right? No, not really.  Oh well, it's only this once!"  I know you know what I'm talking about! You've been there!

I'm betting that most of you also know how I felt after I ate that medium Key Lime Pie Concrete.  Not only did I feel sick because I was so full; I felt defeated for giving into my food demon.  Shame hit me pretty hard also, because I knew I had to blog about this failure.  

I promised myself when I started this journey that I would be painfully honest. Even if I only have one reader, I will tell the truth.  Because this journey isn't just about changing my life.  My hope is to encourage others in this battle.  I don't believe that will happen if I don't show you my human side.

Now that I have that off my chest....

No one said this would be easy.  It's important for me to remember that I can start over.  If I make a poor choice, it's not the end of the world.  I just have to end it, and not allow myself to spiral out of control.  No, I don't have to starve myself for the next two days.  I just have to make healthier choices and keep moving forward.

Till next time....God bless!! :)  

Yikes! It's Been a Bad Week

Well, I told you at the beginning that I was going to be honest.  I have had a really bad week.  I didn't just fall off the wagon, I dove off head first.

I have ate everything and anything I could get my hands on.  I don't know what happened to my determination.  It's like I just flipped a switch and things went haywire.  I feel really lousy about this mis-step, but I am not giving up.  I am not going to let this get me down.  

My best friend called me during my out of control spiral and we have agreed to be accountable to each other.  I am very grateful that I have her in my life.  She is like a sister to me and I know that I can tell her anything without fear of judgement.  I just wish she lived closer.  

Now that I have confessed my failure, I have to prepare for a new week and a new start.  I know that I can do this.  I am in control.