Challenges

I had a challenging weekend.  There is no doubt, I am very human.  In order for this blog to benefit me and my readers I plan to be transparent with my failures as well as my successes.

It started off with an unhappy weigh-in on Friday morning.  I didn't gain.  For that fact alone I know I should have been happy.  But I really wanted to lose and I didn't.    

On top of being discouraged by my non-progress, I had started getting sick the prior evening.  Having just recovered from a stomach bug the week before; I was very disgusted that I was once again under the weather.  By late Friday evening my symptoms included fever, body aches, sinus congestion/pressure, headache, light headed, dizzy, etc...in general, I felt awful.  I was so weak that I stayed in bed all of Saturday and Sunday.    

Let's go back to early Friday...I started feeling a little sorry for myself, okay, maybe a lot sorry for myself. Not a good "head place" for someone trying to lose weight.  Eating has always been a comfort to me.  Being sick, depressed, happy, any emotion has been an excuse to celebrate or soothe with food.

So when we stopped by Andy's after lunch I ordered the medium Key Lime Pie Concrete knowing two things: 1) I didn't need it; I was full from lunch, and 2) the small had almost a whole day's worth of calories and I certainly did not have that many to spare.  

My internal dialogue went something like this:  "I deserve it, I don't feel good.  I don't get to have Andy's that often.  The Key Lime Pie is a seasonal flavor and if I don't order it today I probably won't get one until next year.  I really should order the small.  I mean it's not like I'm getting the large, that's a positive, right? No, not really.  Oh well, it's only this once!"  I know you know what I'm talking about! You've been there!

I'm betting that most of you also know how I felt after I ate that medium Key Lime Pie Concrete.  Not only did I feel sick because I was so full; I felt defeated for giving into my food demon.  Shame hit me pretty hard also, because I knew I had to blog about this failure.  

I promised myself when I started this journey that I would be painfully honest. Even if I only have one reader, I will tell the truth.  Because this journey isn't just about changing my life.  My hope is to encourage others in this battle.  I don't believe that will happen if I don't show you my human side.

Now that I have that off my chest....

No one said this would be easy.  It's important for me to remember that I can start over.  If I make a poor choice, it's not the end of the world.  I just have to end it, and not allow myself to spiral out of control.  No, I don't have to starve myself for the next two days.  I just have to make healthier choices and keep moving forward.

Till next time....God bless!! :)  

This Is Me

This is me.  This picture was taken in late June while I was on vacation with my family.  I was miserable.  I couldn't walk and breathe at the same time.

This vacation was a wake up call for me.  I had to do something to change my health.  I did not want to go on being this way.  There were a couple of moments during this vacation that I cried because of how uncomfortable I was in my own body.

I haven't always been this heavy but  I have always struggled with my weight.  When I was about 14 - 15 years old I had reached 200 pounds. That's way too much weight for someone who is only a hair over five foot tall. I decided then to make a change.  I started counting calories and exercising and I managed to lose 70 pounds over the next year.

I kept the weight off for the most part (it was a constant struggle) until I was married.

When I was pregnant with my son I gained 40 pounds.  When he was born he weighed ten pounds and before I left the hospital I had lost 27 pounds.  I lost the rest of the baby weight before returning to work, but I was still a little heavier than I wanted to be.

My son was about two years old when I started Weight Watchers online.  I started losing at a pretty steady pace and was feeling a lot better about myself.  Then something went wrong.

I was dead on my feet.  I was so tired and sleepy (me the insomniac) all the time; all I wanted to do was sleep.  My hair started falling out, my skin broke out, my fingernails were splitting and chipping, and I started gaining weight quickly.  I gained 30 pounds in a month!  I thought I was dying.

I made an appointment and went to see my doctor.  After running some tests, he discovered  that my thyroid had basically quit working.  I have been taking medication for hypothyroidism since that day.

Losing the weight was much harder after that.  It seemed I had to work much harder and it came off very slowly.  I battled with the scales, up and down, up and down.  I eventually just gave up.  I was tired of fighting.

You know what happened then?  I gained more weight.

That brings me to the present.  Here I am, not the heaviest I've ever been, but way too heavy for my small stature and miserable in my own skin.  I'm being gut-wrenchingly honest here.  I don't normally talk about something this personal to me in this open a manner.  My weight is a very personal and embarrassing issue to me.

I have lost four pounds since I returned from vacation.  I'm eating less and moving more.  I'm trying to make positive healthy changes in my life.  I have a long way to go before I reach my goal but I'm more determined than ever to get there.

I have decided to write about this journey because I know I'm not the only person fighting this battle.  I hope that writing about it will help me stay on track.  Maybe it will help you too.  I welcome your encouragement, tips, or even questions (no haters please).

God Bless...