How Many Times Can I Start Over?

I hate how hard it is to lose weight. The struggle to gain control of my self destructive behavior is a daily battle with myself that is never ending. A battle that I have fought for the better part of my life. I have started over so many times and I hate to admit that I've had to start over again just in the past week.

I'm so tired of starting over. I'm tired of watching the scale go up and down. For once I would love to see it consistently going down. When I think of all the times I have lost 30, 50, 70 pounds just to gain it back I could just cry and then kick myself.

I don't know why, but this time in my life seems to be different. It's so much harder than it's ever been before and I'm heavier than ever. I feel the mountain in front of me is too high to climb. Most days I just want to stay in bed under the covers where no one can see what a failure I am. I feel defeated before my feet ever hit the floor.

I'm not trying to be a downer, I'm just being real. I need to vent. Struggling everyday just to put one foot in front of the other is so frustrating.

Quitting is not an option. There may be days that don't go as planned and I may have to keep starting over every day, but I refuse to stop trying.  I'm praying that a "never say die" attitude will eventually take root in my mind. It's going to take a lot of talking to myself and praying.

Lately I've been weak in my prayer life. No excuses, just laziness, I'm ashamed to say. I know when I'm in tune with God that things are better all around.

Things are fixing to change. I know I can do this if I get my head straight and stay focused on the goal. I'm going to continue with Weight Watchers for the time being. I know it will work if I work it. I really do like the new Freestyle program.

I'm praying that I can turn my attitude around and start believing what I'm preaching. Say a prayer for me. Feel free to comment with encouragement or share any tips or recipes you may have. No negativity please.

Till next time, God bless! :)

Just a Quick Update

Since beginning this journey in October of last year, I have lost a total of 35 pounds.  I admit, I get frustrated with how slow the progress seems at times. But when I break it down, it comes out to 3.888888... pounds a month; that's pretty good for someone with an extremely sluggish thyroid.
 
I'm still walking.  I found a peppier version of the one mile "Walk Away the Pounds" on YouTube.  It is much faster paced and incorporates a lot more side steps, kicks, kick backs, knee lifts and arm movements.  I do believe it is a better workout than the original DVD I was using which would allow you to walk one, two or three miles.  The first mile was kinda slow, working you up to the two and three mile walk.  The version I'm doing now seems to give me a better, more aggressive workout and I intend to use it until I am comfortable with moving on to a longer walk.  I have also started incorporating some upper body toning; trying to get rid of my bat wings! Overall, I feel like I'm making steady progress.

Up until this past week I have been doing Weight Watchers Online.  I decided this week to switch to Fitness Pal, just because I don't want to pay the monthly fee for Weight Watchers.  I feel both of these tools work well.

Tracking is the most crucial step for my success.  I do not feel in control if I'm not tracking what I eat.

Current Snacking Favorites:

• Sargentos Sharp Cheddar Jack Cheese Stick - 80 Calories
• Yoplait Greek Whips Key Lime Pie Yogurt - 100 Calories
• Sabra Supremely Spicy Hummus - 70 Calories per 2 Tablespoons
• Frozen Red Grapes

It's Not a Race

It seems like any time I have embarked on a weight loss journey I feel like I'm starting a race.  It's like I'm standing at the starting line and someone yells, "On your mark, set, go!"  I imagine a gun shot and then I'm propelling myself forward, racing toward the finish line as fast as I can.

I have this sense of urgency that keeps me worried about how quickly I'm progressing and what people are thinking about said progress.  After a while, I start to feel overwhelmed.

If you read my blog, then you know that I hit a plateau not long ago.   It was very frustrating and I couldn't stop thinking about how far I "should have" come in that length of time, which felt like an eternity to me.

Thankfully, I broke past the plateau and am moving forward once again.  But, it was toward the end of this plateau that I learned a valuable lesson and it has changed the way I'm viewing this journey; it is a journey, not a race.

The lesson came when I had to see my doctor.  I was worried, expecting him to be disappointed in my lack of progress with my weight loss.  I've been seeing the doctor quite regularly since the beginning of the year and it had been a month since my last visit.

I went through the drill, you know what I'm talking about, weigh-in, temp and blood pressure check. Then it's off to a room to wait...and worry.  Isn't that the worst part of the doctor's visit, the waiting? I was contemplating how I was going to explain myself.

The doctor came in and was going over all my numbers and his notes from my last visit.  He was very pleased with my blood pressure, which was perfect for the first time in forever, praise you Jesus! I was waiting for him to say something about my weight, but guess what, he didn't!

Well, I couldn't let it go, I had to ask.  I was so frustrated about it and I thought maybe he could give me some advice.  What he said made me so happy, I wanted to hug him.  It also changed my perspective.

He looked at my chart and noted that I had lost four pounds since my previous visit and he thought that was great. He told me that was a lot of weight for someone to lose in a month and that I shouldn't be so worried about the number on the scale. He told me that the scale wasn't the most important number to worry about. My blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.. those numbers were what I needed to be concerned with, and they are improving.  He told me that the slower the weight loss, the better and more sustainable it would be.  I knew that, but we women can be so impatient.  He told me to stop worrying so much and just keep doing what I'm doing and that progress would come.

Like I said, I wanted to hug him.  I left his office with a completely different outlook on my progress and my future.  I felt calm for the first time in a long time.

At my last weigh-in I was half a pound away from hitting a total of 30 pounds lost.  I'm so happy with the progress I've made and I'm so proud that I didn't give up when the going went sideways! There were a few times I wasn't sure I could go on, but I did and I'm not giving up any time soon.

There are no quick fixes, not for me.  I've tried the quick fix, it doesn't last.  It has to become a lifestyle.  I don't have to be perfect.  I'm going to mess up and I'm going to have bad days, but that's alright.  I'm learning as I go and I'm slowing down to enjoy the ride.

Till next time, God bless!  :)

Frustrated

The past couple of weeks have been frustrating.  After losing weight very steadily every week for a month; all of a sudden I've hit a plateau.  I really didn't expect to hit one so soon!

Last week's weigh-in showed no loss, no gain.  I wasn't happy, but I didn't get worried.  But when this week's weigh-in showed a slight gain, I just wanted to cry.  

I have been counting my points religiously, I haven't been using all my flex points, and I have even been more active.  I'm mystified as to why I would gain.  

Normally, a disappointment like this would set off a binge, but I am so determined to get healthy this time.  There's so much more on the line now than just losing weight to look better.  I have decided that I'm worth it.  I deserve to be healthy, to feel better, to have more energy; so I'm not giving up!

So, I will keep on keeping on, putting one foot in front of the other.  I will keep researching new, healthy foods/recipes to try.  I will share the good stuff (I promise to do better).  Keep an eye out for a couple of new recipes coming soon to www.whatscookingwithmandigirl.blogspot.com.

Until next week...God bless!!

 

Weigh-In Friday

My morning did not start off "happy, happy, happy."  My weigh-in results almost had me bolting for the candy aisle to comfort myself.

I gained five pounds this week!  I know part of the reason is that I am retaining fluid; but I don't know why. I feel puffy and my hands and feet are swollen.

One of my medications was changed to a different brand, but it's basically the same thing I have been taking. I am getting more than my required water intake, it's basically all I drink.  I have been snacking on baby carrots and cucumber slices.  It's just so frustrating.

The good news:  I'm happy to report that I did not lose control or have a pity party while stuffing my face full of unhealthy junk foods.  I did allow myself a moment of pouting and then shook it off.

I am more determined than ever to stay on track and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm getting my health back one day at a time.

Still Don't Have My Groove Back

Sunday was Mother's Day.  You know what that means - treats I shouldn't eat right under my nose.  Of course I resisted - NOT!  I ate everything  that wasn't nailed to the kitchen counter.  It's very frustrating to have no self control.  

I'm very tired.  I feel like I have cement in my extremities.  It's an effort just to breathe.  I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I want to feel light and energetic.  I don't want to be trapped in this over sized body the rest of my life.  Scarier still is the thought of how short my life will be if I don't shed this over sized body.

So, why can't I get this right?  Why am I stuck on this roller coaster of overeating and eating the wrong things?  Why can't I get motivated to do the right things?

It's not like I don't know what to do.  I'm not stupid.  I know the right things to eat, I know I should exercise.  I have known most of my life the right things to do.  Worse, I know what could happen to me if I don't do something about it.  I have heart attacks, diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol chasing me down.  My father has had open heart surgery twice, he has type two diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure and he isn't really overweight.  The doctors have told him these things are in his genes.  So my being overweight only makes these things more likely for me.  

You would think knowing these things would somehow "scare me straight."  Still, all I want to do is drive to the nearest fast food joint and fill my face with fried food.  Why?  I really don't know.  I truly don't want to be this person anymore.  

So, today, I start over again.