Little Victories

I lost four pounds this week - whoop, whoop!!!  Everybody do the happy dance.  I know I did when I saw the numbers on the scale.

I have finally found my groove again.  I started swimming laps this week.  I have only been able to do ten and that has been a great challenge.  This old girl isn't used to that much exertion yet.  I had to take more than a few breathing breaks during those ten laps.  It feels good though to be making an effort and a change.

Today, when I did those laps I was able to take fewer breathing breaks.  I took that as a sign that I'm building my endurance and soon I will have to add some laps.

I also made some adjustments to my eating.  I am trying to eat less.  I haven't put myself on a real restrictive diet.  I don't do well with eliminating foods.  My main goal at this point in time is to eat less and move more.

I think the fact that the scale showed a four pound loss this week indicates that this plan is working for me.  I am really encouraged by this small victory, which to me seems bigger than it probably does to those of you reading this.  I have been struggling for so long to get my mind back in this place.  The place where I feel I am in control.

I also ordered a Zumba DVD.  I just received it in the mail yesterday and I am looking forward to checking it out.  My hope is that it will be a fun form of exercise that I can switch up with my swimming workouts.  It's important for me to find exercise that I will enjoy.  If I don't like it, I won't do it.  It's just that simple.

I'm really excited and I want to encourage anyone out there who is struggling to just hang in there.  Try something new and don't beat yourself up.

I'll let ya'll know how the Zumba goes!

God bless...

Still Don't Have My Groove Back

Sunday was Mother's Day.  You know what that means - treats I shouldn't eat right under my nose.  Of course I resisted - NOT!  I ate everything  that wasn't nailed to the kitchen counter.  It's very frustrating to have no self control.  

I'm very tired.  I feel like I have cement in my extremities.  It's an effort just to breathe.  I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I want to feel light and energetic.  I don't want to be trapped in this over sized body the rest of my life.  Scarier still is the thought of how short my life will be if I don't shed this over sized body.

So, why can't I get this right?  Why am I stuck on this roller coaster of overeating and eating the wrong things?  Why can't I get motivated to do the right things?

It's not like I don't know what to do.  I'm not stupid.  I know the right things to eat, I know I should exercise.  I have known most of my life the right things to do.  Worse, I know what could happen to me if I don't do something about it.  I have heart attacks, diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol chasing me down.  My father has had open heart surgery twice, he has type two diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure and he isn't really overweight.  The doctors have told him these things are in his genes.  So my being overweight only makes these things more likely for me.  

You would think knowing these things would somehow "scare me straight."  Still, all I want to do is drive to the nearest fast food joint and fill my face with fried food.  Why?  I really don't know.  I truly don't want to be this person anymore.  

So, today, I start over again.  

Why Can't I Get This Right?

Frustration - my companion and my constant frame of mind.  I am so frustrated by my lack of will power and motivation to stick to a healthy living plan.  Once again, I have edged up the scale and am in serious need of starting over.  

So, here I go again.  One day at a time.  That's all I can allow myself to think about.  I get overwhelmed if I think further ahead.  

I'm using an app on my iPhone to log food, activity and weight loss.  It has one of those handy little bar code scanners, which makes it somewhat easier to track what I eat.  

Now, I just need a kick in the butt to start exercising.  I hate exercise.  I hate to sweat!  Yes, I said it, I admit it - I absolutely hate exercise and sweating!   I know I'm not alone.  Feel free to comment on this post and share your thoughts on "torture."  

Today is day one.  My journey starts again.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Craving

So, I've started reading the book, "Made to Crave," by Lysa Terkeurst. Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food  So far, it's making a lot of sense to me.  The gist I'm getting so far is that I need to transfer my cravings for unhealthy food to a craving for God.

There is a helpful review at the end of the chapters that helps you answer questions about yourself.  I'm finding it very insightful.  I will let you know as I progress through the book how it goes.

I've prayed, actually pleaded, in the past that God would take away my desires to eat unhealthy food, eat when I'm not hungry, eat just because everyone else is eating, eat when I'm happy, eat when I'm sad, eat because I'm nervous, eat when I'm angry, eat just because it's there, and on and on and on.  I think you get the idea, this list could go on for days.  What I haven't tried is praying in the midst of the temptation.  It's usually after a full blown binge or late at night after a day of feeling really bad about myself for having no self-control or just after trying on 10 different items from my closet that are too tight.

So, I'm going to try it.  I'm going to start praying in the midst of the storm.  When I feel the cravings for that candy bar that's screaming at me while I'm in the check-out line at the store, I"m going to pray.  Before meal prayers are now going to include, "help me to know when I'm full and I need to stop eating."  I'm even going to pray when I grocery shop that God will help me to resist buying unhealthy food.

I'll let you know how it goes.  As always, pray for me, I'm going to need it.

Here I Go Again!

Well, needless to say, it's been a while since my last blog.  Truth be told, I've been too ashamed and embarrassed to post anything because I have felt like a complete failure.

In the past months I have allowed myself to get back to within three pounds of my all time high.  It's humiliating and frustrating and so hard to face.  Here I am though, facing it again.  I am laying it all out again and starting over - again!

I'm committing to myself that I will strive everyday to live a healthier lifestyle.  This includes; eating, exercising, and mental/spiritual well being.

As in the past, it's not going to be easy and I'm sure I am going to have set-backs and there are going to be a lot of bad days, but I am never going to give up.  I have to do this, not just because I need to, but because I want to.  To be healthy for myself and for my family.  I want to make the changes that will not only impact myself, but my family, especially my son.  I see him heading down the same path and I don't want him to suffer the way I have.  I want him to get control of it early.

So, wish me luck and pray for me.  I'm gonna need it!

Weigh-In Day

Well, it's Tuesday, weigh-in time.  I have really been dreading the scales.  I haven't done just awful this week, but I didn't do as well as I would have liked.  I really have this "can't do" attitude going on at the moment and I know I have got to overcome it.  I need and want to get back to that place where I feel I am in control.

I gained half a pound this week.  I'm not surprised.  I'm just glad it wasn't more.  I know what I have been doing wrong and I know that I need to get more active.  So, this week, my goal is to stay on target and to incorporate more activity and movement into each day.

I really thought at this point in the journey I would be further along, but I have been my own road block.  I have sabotaged myself at every turn.  I am my own worst enemy.  I could make all kinds of excuses for why I have stalled and screwed up along the way, but the truth is, I just haven't committed.

So, here's to another start.  This week I am challenging myself.  I am going to prove to myself that I can win.  I can control my behavior and I have the power to change.

Update

Well people, I'm not doing so good on the diet front.  I rejoined Weight Watchers, but I have managed to gain weight, not lose.  I am very discouraged and down on myself at the moment.  I just can't seem to get my momentum going in the right direction.

No fear, though, I am not giving up by any means.  This week I am doing much better and I am determined to stick to my goal.  I knew starting out that this was going to be a hard road to travel and I told you all that I would be honest about my struggles.

To be honest, I haven't posted in a while because I am so disappointed in myself and I didn't want everyone to know that I haven't made any progress.  But, I feel like if I don't let you know and I don't admit the truth, then I will continue to hide my head in the sand.  So, hopefully this update will give me the kick in the butt I need to get my momentum heading in the right direction.

So, good or bad, I will be giving an update on Tuesday, which is the day I have to weigh in.  I know I'm not alone in this struggle and I hope that I can encourage others battling this same issue.

Till Tuesday....